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The Same But Different

March 3, 2011

Today Thing 1 asked me who I loved more, her or Thing 2.

Of course I gave her the standard “I love you both the same” answer that most of us have heard at one time or another from our own mothers.  If I’m being 100% honest, I don’t love them the same at all, I never have.  Now before you judge me, please let me plead my case.

From the second I found out I was pregnant with Thing 1 I was head over heels in love with her.  I obsessed over every symptom and milestone of my pregnancy-I read baby books obsessively and basically made her into my full time job before I ever saw her beautiful little face.  Speaking of beauty, she is one and has been since the day she was born-even nurses in the hospital commented on how “pretty” she was (it didn’t hurt that I had her via C-section, no birth canal trauma or cone-head).  By the time we left the OR she was in my arms and latching on, our bond was instant and strong.  She is four years old now and that bond is still there-I joke that if she could crawl into my skin to be closer to me she would.  She is such a easy child, she is smart, sweet, funny and still breathtakingly beautiful.  As my mother said “she has something special about her, a sort of ‘spark'”.

Fast forward 21 months and along comes Thing 2.  Chasing around a toddler gave me little time to obsess over this pregnancy.  Besides a case of gestational diabetes, the second time around pregnancy was way easier so Thing 2’s due date kind of snuck up on me.  There was very little belly rubbing or singing and talking to the bump-since we were having another girl in less than 2 years I didn’t need to prepare much for her impending arrival.  We had pushed off getting anything ready for her until the last weekend before our scheduled section-last OB appointment and we are told “the baby hasn’t grown in the last two weeks, you need a section tomorrow”…I was suddenly in a panic-I wasn’t ready, I didn’t have enough one on one time with Thing 1-how would the center of our universe deal with this new addition, how could I love anyone else as much as I loved my first born?

Thing 2’s arrival was much different-she was taken quickly, I barely got a glance at her before she was whisked to the nursery to be weighed, measured and tested due to her small size and my gestational diabetes.  The doctors went about putting all my insides back and sewing me up and I kept waiting for my baby to come back down…I needed to hold her and feed her-but no, that wouldn’t happen for 36 hours.  Two hours after major abdominal surgery I was wheeled into the scariest place on earth for a mother-the NICU.  She looked so tiny, just barely 6lbs, but she had some glucose issues so she had to stay and I had to go back to my room empty handed.  The Hubs had to go take care of Thing 1 so I was alone and baby-less, there was no rush of closeness or contentment I felt after Thing 1 was born, only worry and fear.  When we were finally reunited the next day we settled in and got to know each other-I was in love once again but I still felt guilty that it didn’t feel the same as with Thing 1.

Thing 2 was the most laid back, content baby-and then when she hit 5 months old she started having breathing/asthma issues.  One scary night I drove white knuckled to the ER while she wheezed and coughed in the back seat.  It was just her and I in the hospital for 4 agonizing days.  Those 4 days were the longest of my life but it was then that Thing 2 and I finally figured each other out and those indescribable feelings settled in and I knew that though my love for her was different than that for Thing 1-it was just as strong and fierce.  She is now a crazy, funny, independent whirlwind of chubby mischief.  She has such a strong personality and stubborn nature she completely reminds me of myself as a child.  She makes me laugh every day and I can’t imagine my life or our family without her.

So do I love them the same?  No, my love for them is as different as they are but who do I love more?  How do you compare immeasurable to immeasurable?

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Cheryl permalink
    March 8, 2011 12:57 pm

    This brought tears to my eyes. I wasn’t able to hold Adam until the following day as he was in isolation.

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